Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires

By Team Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers

DAMASCUS- If peace have been a penthouse, it will come with a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker entry. That's the eyesight behind Trump Tower Damascus, the most recent geopolitical enhancement-slash-luxurious real estate property calamity launched by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and least-sued architects.

Of course, The person who set casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Graphic catalogs has now set his eye on the Middle East. And not the usual Dubai skyline filler either-no, we're speaking Damascus, the city historically known for historic tradition, deadly proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with views of contested airspace.

"It may be huge. Huge!" Trump declared by way of a leaked golfing cart Zoom simply call, streamed from the putting environmentally friendly within Mar-a-Lago's Situation Bunker. "We have had wonderful ceasefires in Syria. Many of the ideal. But now, we're building them with balconies."

Welcome to the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour

The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca in a very falafel stand-confused, majestic, and completely out of put. Built by Slovenian company Ivana & Sons, the tower functions:

A a few-flooring Casino du Caliphate

The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation

A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Joyful Hour until the drone flies")

Along with a nine/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely referred to as "deeply American."

Eyewitnesses noted blended reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a neighborhood textile merchant, sighed, "We waited ten years for potable drinking water. But Certainly, absolutely sure, let's have A further put where by American Adult males can put on robes and connect with it diplomacy."

Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When requested how, she replied, "With velvet curtains plus a pillow menu, of course."

Ceasefire by Cabana

U.S. international policy analysts are calling this quite possibly the most audacious peace attempt since Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. While prior negotiations unsuccessful underneath the burden of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's plan is less complicated: present everyone a collection over the 72nd floor and comp their mojitos.

According to documents released on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal involves "luxurious diplomacy":

Ceasefires brokered by towel boys

Poolside arbitration concerning rebel leaders

A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, finish with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.

"This is often comfortable energy," mentioned political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian TV, wielding a contract along with a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO won't. Geopolitical gridlock demands much less diplomats plus more minibar upgrades."

Just what the Critics Are Screaming

Global watchdogs have sounded the alarm, largely into gold-plated intercoms installed in Every single device. The UN Special Rapporteur for Conflict of Interest mentioned, "It isn't really that Trump should not open up a tower inside of a war zone. It is really that he need to cease working with it to lease ballroom Place to mercenaries."

Joe Biden, when asked regarding the undertaking, replied, "You recognize, guy, I once rode a camel in Beirut. Fantastic folks. Wonderful tan. Anyway, do I continue to have that ice product?"

In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a collection for "future proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred to the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing unit from the Levant."

Satellite Shots Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping

Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit disclosed that the lodge's landscaping sorts a large Trump head obvious from Area, a function becoming promoted as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is made from refugee tents along with the chin is… effectively, classified.

Environmental teams have submitted lawsuits after acquiring the setting up's gold plating reflected a lot of daylight it spontaneously blinded 3 migrating storks and established fire to an area melon cart.

"It's not merely unsightly. It's a war crime with curtains," reported Amnesty International's regional director.

The Melania Wing and also other Baffling Functions

Perhaps the strangest element on the tower is its Melania Wing, which is made up of:

A silent atrium the place visitors might ponder vague disappointment

A duplicate of her Slovenian Bed room, full with weather Management established to "distant"

A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I do not treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Show.

Nearby Syrians are Uncertain what to generate of the. "Is she a ghost?" requested twelve-12 months-previous Ahmad, pointing into a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.

Marketing and advertising Approach: "If You Bomb It, They may Come"

The advert marketing campaign, not long ago leaked by way of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. A person poster reads:

"Peace is Temporary. Luxurious is For good."

An additional slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee stores:

"A Tower So Large, Even Assad Has to note."

General public reception is wildly divided. A recent SnapPoll performed inside of a hookah lounge displays:

34% say "it would stabilize the world"

29% say "this could escalate regional kitsch"

18% said "where by's the nearest elevator into the West Lender?"

Trader Praise: "Lastly, a Disaster That Pays"

The project is presently attracting attention from Global investors, which include:

A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights like a overseas minister

The Russian Guild of Oligarchs

And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who mentioned he'll buy three penthouses "only to flex on Hezbollah."

As outlined by a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's commercial stage will even include:

A Dollar Keep of Geopolitical Alliances

A Theme Park Named 'SanctionsLand'

And an Escape Room Based on the Iraq War

Remark Area Chaos

Around the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb article about the disclosing, user @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:

"Can not wait to see a wedding in the middle of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades instead of rice."

Consumer @SyrianSnarkLord commented:

"Ultimately, a lodge wherever my PTSD can have turn-down services."

Another write-up from @KuwaitiKardashian simply just requested:

"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"

Diplomatic Domino Outcome

U.S. officials get worried the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real-estate Arms Race." Experiences recommend:

Trump Tower Damascus

China could open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad

Putin's daughter is preparing a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk

And Elon Musk has allegedly supplied to develop a Tesla showroom around the Golan Heights powered by raw ambition and goat milk.

Even the Vatican has gotten included. According to https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has provided to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the very best floor "The Holy See-Level Suite."

Last Feelings in the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™

Inside a closing ceremony that involved a few camels, a flamethrower, plus a hologram of Reagan offering a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed above the speakers:

"Damascus required hope. It desired gold. It necessary a waterslide shaped such as Constitution. I gave all of it a few. You might be welcome."